


Hazel's Heaven

by TheLostTargaryen



Category: The Fault in Our Stars - John Green
Genre: F/M, John Green - Freeform, Romance, TFiOS, Teen Romance, The fault in our stars, augustus waters - Freeform, hazel grace lancaster - Freeform, teen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 21:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12094017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLostTargaryen/pseuds/TheLostTargaryen





	1. Part 1/2

The beeping noise from the machine had become a constant reminder that I'm still alive. Heart still beating and broken. It has been two years without Augustus Waters. Two years without his smart remarks and the side smiles I loved so much. In those two years my lung tumours had gotten worse. Growing to a state where I needed to stay in the hospital bed and eat crappy hospital food. It only made me think of the food Gus and I tried in Amsterdam.

I was weaker now. Broken now physically and mentally. Isaac still visited me and read An Imperial Affliction - the brail version - until I went to sleep - which was often. My dad didn't like the thought of leaving my side and it took my mom dragging him out so I could sleep. The doctor had said in the nicest trying-not-to-sound-like-a-downer way that there was little chance of me making it much longer now. My parents broke down while I just stared down at the floor. It didn't matter much to me now Gus wasn't here.

I always held the picture I took of the three of us when Isaac egged Monica's house. The last picture of Augustus I ever took. That was the only reminder of his smile. So many dried tears were on that picture. Crying seemed to be the most amount of energy I put into my body. I only smiled when Mom and Dad came to visit and even then it was weak. They knew the time was coming. It was any day now. You know what they say, the first stage is denial. But for me, I didn't deny I was going to die. I had known my time was limited when I was diagnosed at thirteen. I skipped all the steps to acceptance and hoped I would keep the memory of Gus alive. The way he used to be.

I awoke to Nurse Andrea - I knew her name after being here so long - prodding and poking at my machine that still kept the constant beeps. I shuffled my body a little, taking deep breaths like they told me to. "Hazel, good morning," She gave me her usual smile which tried to show friendliness but instead stank of pity. But I liked Andrea, she listened to my stories in those rare times I wasn't tired. "How are you feeling?" I scoffed and that made her trademark smile falter a bit. "I shouldn't have asked that, I'm sorry, dear."

"It's fine. I'm fine" I replied.

Okay. Okay. That word has haunted me for two years. I never liked saying it often. When my mother asked me if I was okay I would say fine. I felt that "Okay" was something I had to cherish for Augustus.

"I'm a little hungry," I mumbled. She brought back her smile.

"I'll pop over to get you some food then. Be right back." I sighed and sunk back into my bed. My hospital bed. I swear I should be getting bed sores from staying in this bed for so long. I looked over at the digital clock for the time. Ten O'clock in the morning. That was good for me. Isaac didn't usually come until lunch.

After taking what "food" Andrea gave me - and then later having to puke it up - I settled down, waiting for Isaac. I played my music from my iPod until he came. I was half way through a ballad when I heard a familiar voice say "Knock, Knock," I smiled and switched the iPod off. Isaac came in with his stick and help from Andrea to guide him to the chair. He had gotten better and more used to having no eyes. He was also getting good at learning brail, so he told me. Not that he was much of a reader. When I didn't reply Isaac said, "If I'm in the wrong room and staring at an old lady instead of Hazel this going be really awkward." I laughed and saw his smile. Isaac always made sure I laughed at least once before he had to go. "Right room then. Wanna read today?"

"I think we've read that book enough times now." I said melancholy, staring down at my bed sheet. "Tell me what's been going on in the outside world. How's fresh air?" I joked.

"Well, I don't wanna alarm you but since you've been gone, aliens have taken over Earth and made humans slaves, I had one knocking on my door yesterday." I giggled.

"Wow, a lot has happened th-"

"Hazel?" Isaac panicked. I took several deep breaths and closed my eyes for a few seconds. "Hazel, are you okay?"

"I'm...fine." I took some more deep breaths, feeling the weight in my lungs. "It's getting harder." I answered. "Any day now."

"Hazel don't."

"It's fine. Tell me more of..." Deep breath. "...what's happening."

Isaac then distracted me with this greatly detailed story about bumping into a girl when he was out who gave apology after apology for bumping into a blind man. "The funny thing was before she saw me she said 'What are you blind?' and I was like 'Kinda, yeah'. That's when she started grovelling. So I made the most of it and got coffee with her."

"Oh, really?" I said suggestively.

"Yeah, even then she wouldn't stop. It took something genius to stop her."

"How did you do it?"

"I kissed her." I gasped.

"When you just met her?!"

"Yeah. I was thinking 'Hey, no girl's gonna wanna date a blind man so I better take the opportunities I get' so I did. I expected a gasp and for her to storm off. Craziest thing happened."

"She turned out to be an alien?" I asked and he chuckled.

"That would be so freakin' cool if she was, but no. Not that awesome, she giggled and wrote her number into my phone."

"Isaac, that's awesome!" I smiled, of course he wouldn't see. "I'm happy for you." A few more deep breaths were taken. "Are you going on a date soon?"

"Next week. She has tests to do or something."

"Well, I'm happy for you." I snuggled back into bed, happy for my unfortunate friend with hopes that they turned into something serious. "Uh, Isaac," I started. "I'm a little tired, so..."

"Don't say any more. I know when a woman asks for beauty sleep you gotta respect it. Have a good sleep, Haz."

The last thing I felt before I fell asleep was Isaac feel for my forehead and kiss it before leaving.

After a few more days it got even worse. I slept even more and spent less time with Isaac and other visitors. My mother cried silently and my father - of course - didn't hide his tears. My appetite decreased and I had less excuse to leave the bed.

On my last night at a time before there would be allowed no visitors, my mother came to me and sat in the usual chair. "Hey, honey. Happy half birthday." I gave a half-smile, my eyes half closed. I coughed a little and her motherly smile faltered. She stroked my hair, soothing and comforting. "I love you so much, Hazel. You know that right?"

"Of course." I said weakly. "I love you too, Mom. Where's Dad?"

"He's at home. I wanted to see you alone tonight,"

"Did you hear about Isaac and his new girl?" I smiled, eyes still weakly open.

"I did. I'm happy for him. Are you tired? I can come back tomorrow."

That's what she thought. It was a good thing I said "No, don't be silly." She smiled again. For no reason what so ever, maybe the higher powers above were trying to be cruel, I started crying. "I miss him so much, Mom." I said as the tears went down my face.

"Oh, honey." She as she hugged me best she could. "I know. We all do."

"He should be here. He should be okay."

"Shh." I sniffed more tears into her hair as she kissed my temple and stroked my hair. "You loved each other so much. I know." I tried my hardest to get the tears to stop and silence entered the room. The only sound was the beeps of the machine. A constant reminder I was in a place Augustus was not.

"You need to rest, honey. We can talk more in the morning, okay?"

Okay. Why did she have to say that? It only made it harder not to cry. I nodded and she kissed my head once more. "I can stay here through the night if you want."

"Don't," I replied. "You'll worry Dad. Like you said, there's always tomorrow. I love you."

"I love you too, Hazel. So much. Have a good rest." One more hug and kiss until she left.

Those were the last words I shared with anyone before darkness entered.

A light that forced my eyes to open from the crust of fallen tears jerked me awake from what felt like years of slumber. I took a deep breath, as was now a habit but realised it wasn't needed. Something felt out of place. I looked down and saw I was in the hospital bed but not in the clothing I had to wear. I was wearing my blue dress I wore in Amsterdam with Augustus. I looked around and suddenly saw something else missing. My tubes. My oxygen tubes that helped me to breathe, were gone. I gasped, expecting my lungs to suddenly fail and me to break down. Nothing happened. What the hell was going on? Light streamed through the two windows of the hospital room. I got out of the hospital bed, in awe of what was happening.

I felt lighter. Healthy. Something I hadn't felt in years. The machines beeps had stopped, I finally realised. I looked over to my persistent friend and saw the machine was off. I was in my Amsterdam dress, no tubes or oxygen tank and perfectly able to stand.

"Took you long enough, Hazel Grace." I froze. That voice. That silky voice that used to call me my favourite nick name. I raised my head and saw a face I hadn't seen in two years. He was in his casual clothing I often saw him wore and his trademark cigarette unlit in his lips. My eyes welled up. This couldn't be. He looked healthy.

"Augustus," I said, breathless. And then he gave me his trademark smile I had missed for so long.


	2. Part 2/2

Time slowed down and everything went silent until I just heard the rising beat of my heart that replaced the beeps of the machine that was now retired. I couldn't breathe. It couldn't be the cancer because the cancer seemed to be gone. I just stared. My eyes refused to blink, scared that he wasn't real and I was having a hallucination to one of the many drugs they put into my system.

But this was different. I dreamt about Augustus almost every night. None of those dreams could equate to this moment. He just stared, that crooked smile in place and that metaphorical device unmoving and unlit in his mouth. A mouth that I hadn't kissed or been able to admire in such a long time. In recent years I had given long thought to how I would approach the afterlife as I had come to believe as Gus had that there was a capital -S something when you die. I had envisioned it like the cliché beach scene - I was a teenage girl after all - I would see him in a ripped puffy shirt on the beach in the sand and I would run into his arms and he would tell me everything is okay. Of course it's never how you imagined it. I was in my hospital room I had inhabited for a year and a half and the love of my life was in the doorway, cool as a cucumber.

I still couldn't say anything, eyes needing to blink until I gave in. He was still there, still Augustus. Healthy Gus. I took one step forward in my Chuck Taylors to see if that changed anything. I didn't know what kind of change I was expecting. The Earth beneath my feet to swallow me up, the world turning on its axis. Anything. Life had been so full of suck that it finally decided to give me something I wanted. Another step. Another, the squeak of my shoes the only sound. My eyes started to well up as I saw him smile wider the closer I came.

I was in front of him. He was taller than me, like always, and just looked down at me expecting to say something. I was afraid to touch him, again with the fear that it could make him disappear. He could see the question in my welled up eyes. "It's me, Hazel Grace."

The breath I had been holding flew out in a rush and I crushed him against me. It had become habit in the last month of Gus' life that touching him would make him wince so I expected a groan of pain to come from him. But he didn't. He hugged me back and kissed my forehead with a tender touch. I looked up, the vision of him blurry from the tears that hadn't leaked yet.

I wanted to tell him I missed him every day. That I read his eulogy that he sent to Van Houten every night before I slept. That he was everything and more in my life when it came to people who affected me. The look in his eyes told me he knew this already from just my reaction so all I replied with was, "I'm sorry I took so long." I wiped my eyes.

"Oh, don't fret, Hazel Grace, it was a privilege just knowing I had left my scar on the one person that mattered to me."

"It wasn't a scar, Gus." Scar is just a negative word and that came rarely when describing Augustus. Yes, he was pretentious. But he didn't scar me. "It was like a tattoo." I explained. "It was painful to receive and hurt so much in the beginning. But I'm glad for the pain. For that I would have never cherished and kept close the joy you gave me within those number of days." I carried on. "You, Augustus Waters, the star-crossed love my little infinite life, are not a scar."

For once, I think I left Augustus Waters speechless. I saw him tear up and smile. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and put it away. "Hazel Grace, has my metaphorical language grown on you?"

"Like a rash,"

"Oh, I do hope you got treatment," He joked.

"They tried but I was strong enough to fend them off," I smiled.

After the tears had dried on my cheeks, which were no longer as puffy as my cancer-filled self had been thanks to the steroids the hospital had given me, Augustus said something I would have never thought he would say.

"I'm a little mad at you, Hazel Grace," He said but with lack of any seriousness.

"Why ever is that, Gus?" I played along.

"Page 138." He replied. It took me a second to remember which is when I giggled. A notion I hadn't done in so long. "I was waiting for the epic conclusion to Max Mayhem's story, the cliffhanger ready to be solved in my mind, when my girlfriend just spoils it."

"In my defence..." I paused. I didn't really have one. "I'm sorry."

He just smiled and kissed my forehead. "I missed you, Hazel Grace."

"I-"

"Hazel," A familiar voice sang outside in the corridor. I saw the look on Gus' face turn from happy and nostalgic to worried and cautious. He gulped and moved out of the door way.

"Hazel, we need to go." Gus said. Go? How do we go anywhere? I knew I was dead. But what do we do? Haunt people? Get revenge on bullies and stuff? Augustus looked at me with a serious expression I had only seen in rare moments.

But it was too late. The voice belonged to Andrea, my carer and my nurse. She walked straight through the doorway, a happy and cheerful smile on her face, ready to start the day. She didn't even notice Gus and I stood just beside the doorway. That's when I noticed it. I saw me. Weak, frail and pale-to-almost-grey-skinned me. The oxygen nubbins still in my nose and what looked like hundreds of tubes in my body. I looked peaceful for once. No pain etched on my face. It honestly looked like I was sleeping. Literally dead to the world. I was still and dead in my hospital bed.

"I guess that confirms I'm dead." I said, voice dead pan.

I felt Augustus' hand grab my elbow, "You shouldn't have to witness this, Hazel Grace."

But I wanted to. I was fascinated by me. How vain. But I couldn't look away and I saw Andrea pause and drop the glass of water she had probably made for me. She heard the non-stop ring of the heart monitor. She gasped. "Dr. Simmons!" She ran out of the room.

A storm of doctors and nurses came in with equipment that looked complicated and tried to bring me back. They tried even using the charger to start my heart up again. I felt that. I gasped as my chest felt like it was being pulled. Gus turned me around so the scene was at the back of me. "We can go, Hazel. We don't have to see this."

I was torn. I don't know why. Seeing a hopeless situation would normally be unappealing to me but...that was me. That was me they were trying to revive and I guess I was vain for thinking that this was an important scene to watch. But it wouldn't help. Gus knew that and so did I.

I turned to him and looked up into those blue eyes that now searched for feeling in mine. "How do we leave?" I asked, my voice now void of emotion.

"Think of something," He instructed plainly. "Somewhere that makes you happy. Some place that you wish to see again."

That was easy. But I had two places in mind. I looked up to my Augustus and asked, "You'll follow me, right?" He nodded and took my hand. I remember the last time I held that hand, it had been clammy and bony. Now it was healthy, smooth and confident.

"Close your eyes,"

I did and once again I saw white light just after I heard the doctor say "Time of death..."

I made sure I got all the details right. The colours and the weather.

"Strange choice," Gus said first. I opened my eyes and gave myself a mental high-five. "I expected Amsterdam,"

What was in front of us was the swing set we had sold but never sat on. The swing rocked slowly without purpose in the breeze of summer in Indianapolis. "I wanted to come here first." I answered. I grabbed his hand, my other free and not needing to carry an oxygen tank. I walked up to the swing set and noticed Gus' walk had changed - he no longer had a prosthetic leg so he didn't have that unique swagger he usually accompanied with his fake leg. I sat down on one of the red swings and Augustus did the same. "I used to hate this," I said as I swung back and forth slowly.

"I remember, " Augustus replied, "What changed?"

"Is it weird that before I didn't embrace life but now I know I'm dead I kind of wanna embrace death?"

"I find that not only normal but quite Hazel-y of you,"

I laughed and kept swinging, "I guess cancer does provide some part into depression."

"Cancer is death, Hazel Grace. We both knew that,"

"Yes, and death is oblivion." I replied. I stopped swinging and turned to him. He had just been watching me swing. "How are you coping with "oblivion"." I smiled.

"Oh, I don't know why I feared it in the first place." He started. He stood up and knelt in front of me, coming up to my chest. He was so tall. "I'm quite disappointed, really."

"Only Augustus Waters could be disappointed with death. What did you expect?"

"Something with a capital -S." I half smiled. "I have to say, you picking this dress is a really good choice,"

"This old thing?" I joked. I stood up and so did he. I stared up at him for a few breaths. I never realised - or maybe I had forgotten - how simple breathing is. My lungs were good at being lungs for once. I placed both of my hands on the side of his face. "I love you, Augustus." I whispered. He placed his forehead to mine,

"I love you too, Hazel Grace. So, so much."

And then we were kissing. Not like passionate, romantic-novel-ripping-shirts-off kissing. We were Hazel-And-Augustus-kissing. Slow with and without purpose. Time was no longer our enemy because it didn't exist. It had won the war over our bodies but I guess the stars helped us stay together. "I wanna go somewhere else." I whispered after our long kiss.

"Anywhere, Hazel Grace."

We appeared near the canal in Amsterdam where I remember asking about Caroline Mathers. We sat on the bench and Gus was in his tux. "I don't think we can call this your death suit anymore," I admired.

"Hmm...you're the poet and writer, name it." I pursed my lips in thought.

"Life doesn't need to be full of labels and metaphors, Gus. Let's call it what it is. It's a tux and it was made for you."

"Hazel Grace, if you don't stop flirting with me I'll have to throw us both in the canal to cool off." I smiled and we kissed again. "Seven hundred and thirty days,"

"Hmm?" I asked, joining our foreheads once more.

"Seven hundred and thirty days to wait for you in Oblivion, Hazel Grace. Seven hundred and thirty little infinities I had to come up with my welcome speech."

"'Took you long enough' was your welcome speech?"

"Good enough that you remembered it," He winked. "Come on," He said as we walked in front of me, his hand out to be taken. "Let's explore where your mind goes with Amsterdam."

My mind was pretty accurate to be quite frank. The trees were just as beautiful, experiencing Autumn as I had always dreamed of seeing them in the fall after the Amsterdam trip. There were people around but they didn't have specific features. Whenever Augustus kissed me I heard cheers from the crowd. "I didn't realise how many voyeurs inhabited Amsterdam," Gus commented.

"I guess this country has an anything-goes kind of motto," I replied.

"Yes, Living Your Best Voyeur Life Today,"

My heart melted, which is something I never thought would happen when it came to references to support group. "I bet we could get that on a T-shirt here,"

"Or a bumper sticker,"

"Hell, it's probably a poster!" We both laughed,

"I am so in love with you, Hazel Grace,"

"Would you believe me if the feeling was mutual?" I whispered.

"A kiss might prove it,"

So I proved it to him. I got quite cold later and Augustus gave me his jacket.

"I don't want to leave," I said, my head on his shoulder.

"We never have to."

It seemed impossible. And perfect things came with impossibilities, infinite possibilities. But if someone like Gus, who feared Oblivion and was smiling down at me now, was willing to pursue the unknown, then I would happily go with him. He stopped and looked down into my eyes, "Okay?

"Okay."

We kept exploring Amsterdam, as we had all the time in the world. Or Oblivion. Or Heaven or whatever this dimension was. All I knew was after underestimating time and facing the consequences I was finally at a part in the circle of life or whatever where I was at peace. And it took dying to feel this way. I know nothing is perfect, at least life is far from it, and I know everything comes with choices that affect an end result. But I finally get to experience something I have never experienced before. The Unknown. Since I was thirteen I knew how life would end. In agony and pain. But now I have no idea. I have no idea if I'm in Heaven, or hallucinating or the stars have aligned me with Augustus. But what I am sure of and what I am hoping for - and I haven't had the feeling of hope in a while - is that we have a bigger infinity. That Gus and I have a bigger number than we were given in a previous life. Through all the faults in ourselves and waiting for the stars to give us some peace of mind and for love to reach the end of the void I finally get to be rid of the fault in the stars. I want to chase the stars. I want to chase after them with Augustus and see where this is headed. Because I know life wasn't perfect and this life - if this is life - won't be either. And I'm okay with that. I've liked my choices in getting here so far. And I could see Augustus liked his too.


End file.
